Just the two of us

www.bsp360.com

2010-11-10T13:23:00.003Z

Haven't been on this for a while now, so watch this space for future developments of the business.

www.bsp360.com

Is this the new begining?

2008-09-13T09:14:00.003Z

I read "This is Zimbabwe" daily and for the past year I have been on a high and low also daily with the various reports coming out of this remarkable country. As you all know I lived in Bulawayo for a while and fell in love with not only the country but the people and hope and pray that at last there could be a rainbow at the end of this ghastly storm called Zanu PF. I accept it's not perfect but when has any government in any country been perfect?

A slightly better day

2008-08-31T17:02:00.003Z

Even though I haven't seen or am not going to see Joanna for a few days it's a better day. I'm back to work tomorrow and very much looking forward to it. I'm as poor as a church mouse but have faith in myself to get through this horrible period in my life to scale the heights of success once again
But and it's a very big BUT it will not involve another woman ever again (except ex-Africa of course) and if I ever write about a woman I have met then you all have authority to castrate me.

Joanna and I went to Chessington World of Adventures the other day and what a complete rip off and nasty place it is. If anyone is thinking of going....DON'T. If you want a day out at a theme park the you can't go wrong by driving down to the Isle of Wight and go to Black Gang Chine. For what you will spend on the ferry it will still be cheaper than CW of A and a lot more fun. Joanna had a good time though and got thoroughly soaked on one of the rides as you can see.

GAME STOLEN

2007-10-21T09:40:00.000Z

That was one of the most heroic games of rugby I have ever watch. England won the game as far as I am concerned with passion and style unseen in this championship. The only try of the match was not allowed by the French video ref and that would have been game over if it was allowed. Have a look at the picture and tell me in your honest opinion if that was not a try. South Africa didn't come close to scoring one single try and had to rely on Montgomery to kick penalties for indiscretions sighted by the touch ref. They didn't see any of the indiscretions of SA of which there were many including Tripping, Blocking and some of the most terrifying high tackles I have ever seen.

England can hold their heads high and walk home proud that they are the most amazing team in the world

The England Football Squad

2007-10-17T20:13:00.000Z

Have you ever seen such a bunch of pussies as the England Football squad. They lost to RUSSIA today in what can only be described as a game of womens hockey. Although that's an insult to womens Hockey as the womens Hockey team have balls and a huge amount of passion. These special needs substitutes of the human race we call the England Football squad shouldn't be allowed to wear the England Shirt anywhere outside of their nail and tan boutique where they parade their 3inch cocks to Sharon and Doris while looking at the brochure of a Fiat 125 to drive into the hall of their Barrat house in the suburbs of Manchester. Fuck I hate FOOTBALL and every one involved in it including that arsehole Rupert Murdoch who makes them so fucking rich for being talentless.

I'm done

Come on England (Rugby)

The National Anthem

2007-10-17T12:45:00.001Z

I have been reading with interest the musings of various blogs re the World Cup and England's chances in the Final. This is the first time that a World Champion team has ever got to the final to defend their rightful place in the world rankings as the most dedicated and passionate team in the history of the competition.

I have watched every single game since the competition started and have pointed out to my daughter, who is now almost as much of an avid fan as I am, how all the teams start a game with their respective anthem. Not one of the teams and I am serious about this, not one of teams (apart from England of course) have a full compliment of players who know the words to their anthem. It has been pathetic how NZ, SA and Australia have stood there and mumbled under their breath some sort of song that they presume is something to do with their respective country they are playing for. Just watch England in the final and see what I mean. Even grown men like Lawrence Dallaglio will be singing with such passion that tears well up in his eyes. THAT MY FRIENDS IS WHY WE ARE WORLD CHAMPIONS. And I predict will either win or come very very close to rumbling SA on Saturday. I will be the first to hold my hands up if we lose unlike the Aussies or the Kiwi's who are still saying the only people on the field who made a mistake were the Ref and the opposite team!!!!!

6 Days no smoking

2007-09-27T20:12:00.000Z

I enjoy my new job and I like the people I work with plus they keep themselves to themselves, not pushing their dreary little lives on to me. God how that used to piss me off listening to them talking about Wayne or Sheryl going to school with their hair dyed pink.

So life is good.

Until I get home, then the shit hits the fan and I have to deal with my next door neighbor arguing about what colour chopping board you should use for what product (40 fucking years I have been in the catering industry) then Ruth asking me inane questions that have no relevance to anything in this world or ME.

I WOULD SACRIFICE MY ZIMBABWEAN HOLIDAY FOR A FAG RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!

Then I could deal with them all as I always used to

New York

2007-09-23T09:52:00.000Z

If your only in New York for one whole day then I highly recommend Citysights except when it's as hot as the day we were there. Being an open top bus you are a piece of beef on a BBQ cooking very fast.Also you need to watch out for the Traffic lights that hang from the center of each junction. I stood up to take a picture and nearly got knocked senseless.

New York wasn't anything I expected and everything I wanted. Great food, exceptionally nice people and fascinating sights but oh so hot until you get into the subway. Air conditioned subways are the way to go. Why the hell can't we have that in London?

The Holiday

2007-09-21T11:56:00.001Z

Yes we eventually arrived in the States for a well deserved holiday of a lifetime and boy did we have a brilliant time. One thing I will never do again is fly via another country to save a few bob. We flew Iberia via Madrid and it was the longest flight I have ever done and that includes New Zealand. 3 hours wait at Heathrow, 3 hour wait in Madrid and 2 hours waiting for our baggage at JFK on top of 13 hours flying, I was absolutely exhausted when we eventually got to our Hotel in New York.

We took a yellow cab, which I have always wanted to do but the guy drove so fast it was all over before I could enjoy the experience and then we arrived at the hotel. The Chelsea Inn I had been warned by reviews was a bit dilapidated but nothing could have prepared us for what we were about to see.

As warned by the booking clerk, the reception was closed after 9pm, so we had to ring the bell for the night porter. Through the glass door we saw what I can only describe as a 100 year old Bill Cosby shuffling down the stairs to great us. Once in he then had to make his way along the corridor to the myriad of mail boxes. Having unlocked the appropriate box to retrieve the booking papers he informs us that the extra bed we had booked for our Daughter (7) wasn't available and that we would have to share our bed with her. I forgot to say that the temperature in New York was at it's highest and the Humidity was at 98%. Annoyed but far too tired to argue we said OK just show us to the room and we will sort it out in the morning.

The room was on the fourth floor with no lift, so up the stairs we went. The stairs sloped at such an angle to the right that we had to hold on to the wall on the left to keep ourselves from falling over the banister. It was like the Rocky House Of Horrors. The room was small but had Air Con as standard in the Sates, so we slept together with a little difficulty but woke nice and early for breakfast.

Bill Cosby gave us vouchers for breakfast the next morning in the cafe below but as there was no seating, so we decamped to The Hollywood Diner on 5th Avenue where Joanna had her first waffle with Crispy Maple Bacon

2007-09-21T11:37:00.001Z

I eventually sold the business to a good mate . That was at the end of July, just in time to set off on our holiday to the States. I had mixed feelings about letting it go.

On the one hand I was happy to see the hassle go and on the other hand I was very upset at the impending loss of freedom that is now ensuing.

I was completely relaxed about what I was going to do on our return and had full confidence in my self in finding employment within a few days but that has not been the case and as you can see from the previous posts I am having to compete with kids just out of nappies. Having said that I have now applied for four new positions and have been told that I have a very good chance of getting interviews with all of them. So fingers crossed I will be in full time emplyment within the next two weeks.

Just had a call from one of the agencies for some temp work next Monday so that will keep the wolf from the door.

2007-09-18T22:10:00.001Z

From New York to Boothbay Harbour, this was the trip of a life time and if it wasn't for Leigh and Richard with their adorable Madeleine it wouldn't have even rated as a holiday. Leigh provided copious amounts of hilarity at her expense while Richard slaved to keep us all happy. What a blast. More soon.

2007-09-18T21:17:00.000Z

Yes I know it's been a long time but things got a bit out of hand what with the trip to the States and closing the business and now trying to find a worthwhile job to keep the kid in knickers. Currently I am boring the pants of myself by working in a "Customer Care Center" it's a call center damn it and it's full of the most mind numbingly stupid people who couldn't make the list for brain transplants. In the mean time I have been for an interview today at a well known cigarette company for the position of Sales Rep. Yes that's how far down the ladder of the human scale of worthlessness I have fallen.

Two and a half hours of being told that I will spend 16 weeks training to sell puff weed. and at the end of all that I am given a Verbal Test.

Now I was told in advance that it would be a verbal test and being of sound mind and possibly advanced years I assumed as did everyone else I spoke to, that this would be a case of me standing up and chattering about myself which I can do very well. Oh no it's a fucking written test!!!!! As mentioned before I am of advanced years and this is possibly the second interview I have ever done in my life. I DO NOT DO WRITTEN TESTS AND NEVER HAVE DONE. So I failed that miserably and am now looking for a job a little further down the ladder of human worthlessness. Shelf stacking at Asda looks good.

The end of and Era

2007-06-24T12:06:00.001Z

It's been decided that the end of Stuart's Foods is to be at the beginning of September. I have secured a sale albeit for far less than I wanted but that's life and hey it was probably not worth the price I got for it anyway. So what next? I have no idea except I don't need the stress at my time of life when in fact Ruth's stress overshadows mine far more. It used to be a good little business but I have been squeezed out by the conglomerates such as Tesco and Sainsbury who sell cheaper but with far less quality. I am fed up with customers telling me lies and the competition such as Good Taste telling my customers that I am no longer in business, I have never stooped to such underhand tactics and never will. The worst are Supreme Cuisine who have even told my customers that I have died!!! They have possibly the worst guys working for them who have little if any knowledge of food yet alone a passion for the products they sell. So let them rot in moldy sardines (actually sold by them as witnessed by myself) and all go to hell.

The Family

2007-06-20T08:25:00.000Z

I've written about this before but ended up deleting it in case the wrong person read it. Well now is the time to expose my Family for what they are worth, particularly my Father and latterly my Sister and her Husband. I shan't name names as most of you who will read this know them.

Many years ago in the dark ages of the 80's my Mother and Father both died of cancer within a year of each other. Yes it was a very hard time but with it came some rather sobering and enlightening insights of how spiteful the human being can be.

My father was the youngest of four children brought up in a very Victorian atmosphere of the Navy during the second world war. During a long stay in India he became infected with Polio causing long term damage to his right leg, giving him a very slight but noticeable limp, so when he walked toward you it was a lomp rather than a strait forward walk. To this day it sends shivers down my spine thinking of him bearing down on me with this awkward gait and an expression of disdain for his son.

I was a disaster at school but had fun and have to admit that the experience of a boarding school
run by Benedictine Monks (all abusers) was on the whole quite good even though I did get beaten many times with the cane. I have no regrets in going there.

My Father on the other hand wasn't happy about it and virtually disowned me for being thick. These days I would be called a challenge in directional learning.

In the meantime my sister was born when I was 7 and life changed. She became the child he always wanted, bright, attractive and above all else compliant with his wishes to be what he wanted her to be, obedient.

I left school at 17 and went to a local college to do my 0-levels again. This was an enlightenment in the world of rebelling. I grew my hair long and wore jeans covered in oil paint with long moccasin, tasseled boots while smoking weed bought in matchboxes at Kensington Market.

This was a world away from the strict upbringing my father had anticipated for me. I had been cut off from any financial aid and had to work at a pub in town to fund my hedonistic lifestyle. I didn't care, I was young and the world was my oyster and I had a hidden talent that was just starting to develop. Charm!!!!

I had learnt that with charm you could get a lot done and go far. Don't get me wrong I wasn't a con artist, I became an entrepreneur who could convince people that I had a good idea and that I could pull it off and for 90% of the time I did.

My Mother was probably the finest woman I have ever known. flawed in many respects but immensely attractive and the life and sole of any party. We were a sorry family that had very little love shown to us by hugs and kisses, just expectations.

I did however have another place to go, to get the warmth of a family and have immense fun. My Aunt and Uncle. My Uncle was my Mothers Brother and was known by me to be the Bumper book of fun with an endless repartee of stories from his life as the Ships Store man on SS Orcades. For a large amount of time they ran a caravan and camping park near Great Yarmouth, where I would help out during the summer and many other holidays from school. This should tell anyone that if I traveled directly from school to them rather than home I was not a happy child. Having met the first lust of my life while living there I traveled to Sheffield to begin my life as an adult.

My first job was at an Oil Depot taking orders for fuel and filling the huge tankers up from the rail tankers and learnt to manoeuvre the lorry's in and out of the yard, while brewing up large pot's of rich dark tea for the lads.

Then I moved out to Buxton to work at the Palace Hotel where I got the bug for catering and all that goes with it. This was a giant of a hotel with all of the staff living in to provide what I can only describe as an all day all week orgy of sex and booze, I was in heaven. Everyone was on the fiddle and I got caught, along with two others. My first sacking and in fact my last but a wake up call to get on with my life and think about making some money.

I arrived in London, walked into the Dorchester Hotel on Park Lane and asked to see the Personnel Manager. I said I wanted to make catering my profession and needed to work in any department that needed me. They gave me a job in the famous Terrace Restaurant as a commie waiter where all sorts of rich and wonderful people came and paid vast amounts of money for the best food and service in the world. While working there I was poached by The Claremont Club in Barclay Square to work in the private bar (I was very good at my job) much to my fathers anguish. He had been working for many years as an Agent for large Hunting, Shooting and Farming estates owned by some of the richest gentry in the land and many of them were members of this elite and discrete casino in the heart Mayfair, so he didn't want me to start rocking the boat. One of the paramount rules in this world of opulence was discretion and my father had little trust in me.

To cut a long story short I went on to work at The Playboy Club also in Park Lane and then Claridge's, probably the finest hotel in the world. My next lust took me to Paris, France where I worked at Le Prince de Galles in the Avenue George V. Many great years were spent there and invaluable experience gained in the five star hotel business.

While I was having a ball in Paris My Father and one of his employers had bought a hotel in Charlbury adjacent to the estate he was running. I loved this place and wanted it for myself but in his wisdom my father had re-employed the same guy who had been running it for nearly 20 years as a bed and breakfast pub along with his awful wife. Father had spent a fortune on the place to make it one of the finest country style hotels in the Cotswolds and they were running it as a bed and breakfast!!!!

One weekend when I was home from Paris The manager offered me a job to come and help him run it, which I jumped at. Now a few of you will notice that this story differs slightly from my many other stories of how I acquired the place but in essence it's the same. I left Paris with quite a lot of money in my pocket, to take up residence at my new place of work again to the disdain of my father. Within a few months I was in the awkward position of having to take it over fully as manager because of a drunken evening had by the manager where he fell over and cracked his skull, rendering him useless as a manager of anything more than a coffee pot.

This is where my entrepreneurial skills came into place. The guy my father worked for had a son who had been given the Hotel as a trust to run until he became 21 when he could sell it or continue to run it. I approached him and said that I would take it on as a lease for £16,000 per year and run it as my own, so he didn't have to be involved in the day to day running of the business. He accepted and my life as a self employed hotelier started. I made it into one of the most successful country hotels in the Cotswolds with accolades and publicity unparalleled at the time. Even my father was slightly impressed until we hit the huge depression of the mid eighties. I needed some funding to keep it going, so I foolishly approached my father who at the time was still quite impressed at how well it was doing. He lent me or in fact I think he gave me £5,000 to ward of various creditors.

This had a dire consequence of him putting my younger sister in to watch what I was doing. In fact she was a spy for him and would return home each evening to report on every move I made during the day including what time I got up in the morning to how much I was drinking or eating. It always amused me that no one was there in the evening when the hard work was being done and a work day would finish at 2 or 3 in the morning.

In the end the recession got the better of me and my father and his bosses son had me evicted. Yes he had me evicted. I have to say here that at the time may father was dying of cancer and his will to live had virtually vanished, so lets be fair about this and say it was a difficult time for all of us.

I didn't see or speak to him for nearly three months, until he summoned me (I was 30 by this time and was still being summoned to him like a naughty little schoolboy) to tell me that he had left me out of his will because he didn't want my creditors taking his money and my sister probably needed the money more than I did!!!! He had made a provision for my daughter to get £5,000 when she was 18.

Now, I have taken professional advice on this and have been told that he could have put the money in to a trust for me as well, away from any creditors and or me until I was deemed responsible enough to use it.

I took this like a man should when your father is dying and just let it go. My mother told the doctor when she was dying a year later that I has been treated very badly but would come through it all better and stronger. I did and went on to more successful businesses over the years but always had that nagging feeling that it was more of a punishment for the 5 grand he gave me rather than a creditor evasion tactic.

A few months later my sister met her future husband and everyone disliked him. We could all see he was with her for one thing and one thing only and that was the inheritance. My mother bless her was so riddled in cancer that she went blind, never actually seeing this bloke. But her sense of humour prevailed and I remember her making up silly rhymes about him.

One month after she died he (future husband) asked me to meet him in a pub in Oxford. He told me that he knew about the will and would do everything he could to make sure I was always looked after and to be fair he did do a few things to help me out but never financially except for a couple of pounds to tie me over on one or maybe two occasions and it was never a gift, always a loan.

For 20 years now I have been subjected to drunken lectures from him at family lunches telling me that my fathers financial planning was so bad that there was nothing left after all the bills were paid. Now its one thing being lectured to by your brother-in-law but it usually involved other guests at the table as well including friends of mine, so I have witnesses by the score.

Two years ago my sister calls me to say that they are splitting up. I asked as you do how they will split the house and how much have they got left on the mortgage? "we haven't got a mortgage" she says. "We bought the house with what dad left me" £110,000!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently that is nothing.

A little aside here: The £110,000 bought the house over 20 years ago and in that time they have redecorated once!!! and replaced some windows. The house has been sold this year for over £450,000.

Then I find out that my daughters trust of £5,000 had matured to over £10,000 with interest, excellent!!! Well this was the salt being rubbed in the wound. The interest was to go to my sister!!!!! 20 years later and he still gets the last laugh, what on earth did I do wrong?

In the spirit of sibling support I have said nothing over the past two years while she's been going through the split up. Many of you will think I am stupid but I do have strong family values and when my sister was having a bad time I would have been there for her. Not any more.

So, last night I went to see my sister to have it out with her once and for all and to my wife's amusement she denied doing anything wrong and that she was only 22 when it happened, so what was she supposed to do? It ended with me being unceremoniously thrown out of the house with the usual woman tears and tantrums. If I had been a better man at arguing I should have said "so, if it had happened now you are older would you have handled it differently?"

We will never know but I can tell you now I feel better for saying what I said in the very short time I was with her last night.

One little afterthought: She was moaning how broke she is at the moment and that she has to work Saturdays to make ends meet. This is on top of her grueling 40 hour week living in her £250,000 house with NO mortgage. My god how the mighty have fallen.

Oh.... and she is thinking of buying another house for her pension.

P.S. I want to make it clear that I don't want any money from her or her blasted husband, I just want recognition that they have treated me very badly and an apology.

United Nations Sustainable Development Commisssion

2007-06-15T10:10:00.000Z

In recent weeks, there has been much hullabaloo surrounding Zimbabwe's
election to head the United Nations Sustainable Development commission, with
many saying the Mugabe government has been utterly useless at environmental
management.

This is of course a malicious fabrication encouraged by the colonialist
Blair and Bush governments. Zimbabwe has taken some bold initiatives to deal
with emissions. It started phasing out petrol and diesel a few years ago.

This has seen the introduction of the pedal bicycle Police patrol and
reaction force, which has been increasing in popularity over the past
months, as motorized cars are apparently being phased out.

Then it came up with a marvelous population control plan, donating a third
of its citizens to other countries. The reduction in the population will
naturally have a big impact on shrinking the country's carbon footprint,
though some in the media have mischievously argued that any reduction is a
drop in the ocean next to the emissions from the Zimbabwe Parliament.

A few weeks ago it announced that it was doing away with electricity in cities.

This week Harare said that, as part of a major "mechanization programme", it
was encouraging farmers to use ox-drawn carts and ploughs instead of tractors.

Zimbabwe is currently at it's 1952 level of productivity.

2007-05-26T11:15:00.000Z

A day out to let Ruth get on with some work caused serious damage to my wallet to keep Joanna amused, including this huge Knickerbocker Glory.

Air Zimbabwe

2007-05-06T08:51:00.000Z

Wonderfull video

2007-05-05T10:12:00.000Z

VAT in South Africa

2007-05-03T12:48:00.002Z

When we started Route 49 back in 1998 the idea was to get passengers (backpackers) to and from Zimbabwe and Cape Town in as faster period as possible (24 hours). This entailed getting a ROUTE PERMIT, which was critical to any bus service in SA including Taxi’s. When an ordinary bus or taxi applied they had to state the exact roads they would use and more importantly where they would pick up and drop of their passengers. Because of inherent corruption and fiddling VAT had been abolished for all Buses and Taxi’s. Our Route Permit was very different. We had applied for a permit to transport passengers from one country to another without any stops within SA. I decided that this was no longer to be classed as a bus service with the VAT and that our passengers were in fact packages that had to be exported to and from each country, therefore becoming a courier business that was eligible for Zero rated VAT. Our accountant disagreed as did my partner, so I went to the top and contacted a Mr Valentine who was at the time head of VAT in Cape Town. He listened very carefully and said that he would contact me in the near future.

Only one week later he phoned to tell me that I was indeed right and that our business was to be Zero Rated. This meant that we could buy a brand new bus and claim all the VAT back immediately plus all our expenses without having to charge VAT on ticket sales. This gave our business a massive windfall that no other Bus service had ever enjoyed in South Africa. In my mind that was a major win in our fight to survive the crippling costs of running such a service and to this day I count that as one of my finest hours in the set up of a new business. Over the years we claimed Millions of Rand back from the VAT.

I need to get a scanner to explain the next extraordinary turn of events that lead to us being sponsored by Zambezi Lager, so watch this space.

Ruth is running

2007-05-02T10:36:00.000Z

It's less than 4 weeks until Ruth does her first ever run for charity and over 6 weeks since I
e-mailed over 50 people to sponsor her and to date the total of sponsors is 3. Yes a massive 3 people have given a whopping £30 so far. This is Ruth running not Seb fucking Coe, she is probably the most unfit person in the world with the energy of a hedgehog on sleeping pills. OK Leigh has been having problems trying to access the site from the states but come on every one get your credit cards out and start clicking. She has managed to get a further £10 from an aunt who has no idea what a computer is yet alone work one and of course her mum will be as generous as ever. More importantly Max has offered to add £2.50 if she goes topless!!! As I am filming the event I would prefer her not to go topless as my camera has no wide angle lens and the other runners will be in danger of a soft knock out.

BBQ Season is open and running

2007-05-01T10:14:00.000Z

As we are now in the BBQ season I thought it would be important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual,
as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably
because there is an element of danger involved. When a man
volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events is put into
motion:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. Here comes the important part:
4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Happy BBQ Season to thoughtful men everywhere....

A new Brai

2007-04-30T18:35:00.000Z

I bought this new Brai from Macro Cash & Cary for just £39.95. The reason for the incredibly cheap price is that it's a Flat Pack. The instructions were written by Neanderthal man who had obviously been drinking large quantities of Absynth because the final product bore no resemblance to the photo on the box. but the cooking results were excellent. May I recommend the following:

Char grilled Asparagus:

Brush the asparagus with a little Olive Oil and then sprinkle all the asparagus with a dusting of Parmesan Cheese. Place on Bar-b-q and cook until soft and a little black.

My Babes

2007-04-23T16:46:00.000Z

Now you can all see why I think I am so handsome.

Muizenberg or Muizenburg!

2007-03-23T14:28:00.000Z

Grant was very lucky to get the house in Muizenberg, a thatched three bed house just back from the waterfront overlooking the sea (at an angle) wooden floors throughout, walled patio at the back with a Jacuzzi. What more could we ask for as our first house in Africa? Plus it was less than a hundred yards to the pub. The Pub was called Bulldogs and run by Reg.

Reg was an ex bank manager who fancied something different after years of refusing loans to all who asked, so he took on this franchise pub. What a mistake that was for him. First of all he had absolutely no idea what was going on in the catering trade and on top of that he had zero personality as a landlord of a drinking establishment of any type. Then to make matters worse the franchise was a complete con loosing him everything he had saved for over all those years as a Bank manager. Fortunately for him he was able to get his job back at the bank, so off he went never to be seen in a pub again.

Craig was the next guy to take it on and I have a huge amount of admiration for this guy.

He was a very tall thick set guy with long hair all the way down to his bum. His dream was to have a pub themed on Surfing with everything to do with the sport hanging from the walls and ceiling with TV's scattered about showing extreme sports on a constant loop. It took him a record 1 week to open and on the opening night he was a wreck. When we arrived for the opening night his eyes were sunken and his trade mark bum length hair was greasy and he stank. He had worked non stop and I mean non stop for 24 hours a day with a total of 4 hours sleep, resulting in him having a nervous breakdown on the opening night.

In the end it was a massive success and the place was packed day and night. Ruth Grant and I must have been his best customers as we were always in there after a trip drinking to all hours of the night and morning. A few months later he turned the cavernous upstairs into a Backpackers with another smaller bar and pool table where we virtually lived. His big problem was that he wanted to do food and had no idea how to do it and on top of that he was out of cash to build a kitchen yet alone employ a chef. What he did in the end was pure genius in my mind. I returned from a trip one Thursday and went to the pub as usual to find menu's all over the place for Pizza's, a whole range of them and a good price as well. I asked how he managed to get the funding to which he said "follow me". We walked through to the kitchen which was empty and then through the back door, and on the other side of the road at the back of the pub was a small arcade of shops with a pizzeria in the middle. He had negotiated a deal with them to get 2o% discount and then marked up the price by 10% above their prices giving him a whopping 30% for doing nothing except walk over the road to collect them. as I said Genius. I would love to know what he is doing now as I can be sure it would be a success whatever he does.

Muizenberg was on the edge of what was known to be False Bay. All along the bay were to Cape point were fabulous little seaside towns including Kalk bay, Vishoek and Simonstown. At kalk Bay we had The Brass Bell (pictured left) where we could sit and drink with the waves crashing over the wall and into the pub as well sometimes if the windows weren't shut. Then further along the famous Jackass Penguins at Simonstown. It really was a dream come true for Ruth and I and I shall remember those days forever with fondness.

Drivers: We had some bad ones

2007-03-22T14:20:00.000Z

After a few months, Grant wanted to stop the driving as it was killing him physically. He was also responsible for the accounts and general day to day office work, so we needed to hire our first driver.

An advert was placed in the Cape Times and interviews were conducted at our house. I have never seen such a sorry bunch of individuals in my life but one had to be chosen and the first was a very tall guy who's name escapes me now as did the following 6 or 7 we hired and fired in a period of the next four or five months.

I wanted to hire a local black guy but not one turned up and in retrospect I should have realised they don't buy the Cape Times but hey my heart was in the right place. Just for the story I will call our first employee Mr Big. Mr Big arrived for the first trip with his long hair and beard to match looking as if he needed a long nights sleep, which was not giving me or the passengers any confidence for the following 24 hours of hard driving. All was going well until I woke in the middle of the night to find that he was driving in the middle of the road with one leg tucked under the other and his head resting on the head rest with his sunglasses on!!!! wide awake I might add but not what the passengers wanted to see, so he lasted two trips and became an ex Route 49 driver. The next was a coloured guy who used to be a Baz Bus Driver. A very good driver but rather light fingered when we were asleep.

Eventually we got a Zimbabwean driver called Rich who became an institution for our service who in the end took over the running of our Jo burg - Vic Falls run. We used to hear story's of how he would go out of his way to help the passengers in any way he could and I have to say one of the most trustworthy guy's I have ever employed in any business. Benny was another guy who was a legend in his own lifetime. he replaced Ruth and I in Vic Falls as our manager and did a splendid job drinking hard with all the tour operators to gain us plenty of extra bums on seats.

Then there was Yanik who looked like Jesus but was a hardened Afrikaner farmer just doing the job for a bit of extra cash. One day when we were moving to Vic Falls he took all our luggage in the trailer to unload and found all the staff of the house milling around under a tree.

Asking what was going on they shrieked that there was a spitting cobra in the tree just next to our bedroom. Yanik just strolled up to the tree collecting a large thin stick on his way and in one deft move whacked the snake out of the tree and in the same movement stabbed it in the head and casually asked where we wanted the luggage to go. He was Ruth's hero from there on and I have to say I liked him also.

The best of all the drivers of course was.....................ME

Oh dear!

2007-03-21T10:16:00.000Z

I seem to have upset a few and pleased at least 1 who was the only one to post a comment. Those of you who e-mailed me including the incredibly rude guy who's language even I was shocked by (maybe that's why he didn't post) appear to have got the wrong end of the stick.

The point I am making is that they have one of the most beautiful places in the world with history and culture unmatched in any other country on the planet. But every one I speak to talks of nothing else but the crime and not what you can do as a tourist. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't live there again for a myriad of reasons of which one of them is security but will continue telling everyone I meet that they must go and do as much as they can as it is a spectacular place and for a tourist relatively safe or at least as safe as India, Russia, Thailand and Saudi Arabia.

Helen is right, many of the younger ones I meet in London haven't even traveled in SA yet alone our fascinating country and yet they think they have the authority to advise the traveler what to do.

My point made I will now keep quiet and get on with telling amusing little stories.

Fed up with Ex-pats

2007-03-20T13:47:00.000Z

As a lot of you know I live in Oxfordshire and for some reason or other am surrounded by Ex-pat South Africans. In the past two weeks I have spoken at length to at least four of them who constantly bemoan their own country to such an extent that if I hadn't lived there or even visited then I wouldn't want to go near the place. In all the years I lived in SA I visited Joburg many times and once had my camera stolen. How did this happen? I left it on the front seat of my vehicle with the door unlocked!!!! Why do they make the place sound as if it is a war zone where the locals sit in bushes waiting for a white tourist to arrive before mugging them at knife/gun point. It happens all over the bloody world you idiots. Once when I lived in Cape Town, Ruth and I were invited to the Overseas Visitors Club for a party to see off a few of Capetown's youngsters who were leaving to live elsewhere.

I asked this one couple why they were leaving: Ahgg, Cape Town has become so African lately!!!!

Where are you moving to: Brixton, London.

Stay there I thought and never come back, you don't deserve the wonderful place you were born in.

I have some friends in my local pub who used to go to Cape Town every year and a local SA who lives in the same village has actually put them off going again.

I do have to say though that Zimbabwe is a better place but that doesn't mean that SA isn't just as wonderful a place to visit as well. So now when I meet a SA I tend to avoid the subject otherwise I will get a bit violent and perhaps mug them myself, which would drive them back to SA and that would be a tragedy as Britain does deserves them.

The trip South

2007-03-16T12:54:00.000Z

I was over 40 when I started this business and had never in my life slept in a backpackers and it had been many years since I had slept in a dormitory and that was at school, so the poor guys who had to sleep with me woke up feeling a lot groggier than me, although I did have a few bruises from boots that had been flying at me all night to no avail.

We had the whole day to cruise Bulawayo and introduce ourselves to all the hostels around town. But first we needed coffee and some peace and quiet, so we headed into town and found an amazing shopping centre with a coffee bar (pictured left) where we sat down and relaxed. Sitting on another table was a very pretty woman enjoying a fag and coffee. Obviously a traveler, so off Grant goes to make the cheese line of the year

Grant: "Have you got a light please"

Traveler: "Yeah sure"

Grant: "Oh your American! where are you going from here?"

Traveler: "Cape Town"

Grant: "Oh really! how are you getting there?"

Me thinking: "lady, your ours"

Traveler: "I'm just off to book with this new company called Route 49, who apparently have these two amazingly good looking guys driving the bus"

Grant: "No need to do that we are those two guys and we will book you on, so don't bother going to an agent (another 15% saved) just tell us where you are staying and we will pick you up in the morning".

It transpired that she spent the whole day worrying her knickers off that we had just conned her but to this day, 10 years later we are still best of mates and are all going to meet up in in the States this August with all our various kids.

So we had our first return passenger and we managed to get another couple from the hostels we visited later that day. Bulawayo became very loyal to us over the years and often filled the bus many times over.

The trip south was always a good one as it was going home and it just seemed to go quicker, we had no problems with passports and all the passengers behaved themselves. Halfway down through Botswana we always stopped at a service station in Mahalapye where the passengers could buy soft drinks and snacks to combat the intense heat. then off we would go to get to the SA border before closing time at 7.30pm I can't remember what we used to do for supper in the early days but eventually through a chance meeting with Grant we found a crocodile ranch just outside Mafeking who were fantastic to us for the whole time we traveled, providing breakfast and dinner twice a week and on the odd occasion even pillows when ours got left behind. In the beginning we would stop at a hotel just on the north side of the Du Toits Kloof pass for breakfast but they were so bad at looking after us that we had to abandon it in preference for Adventure Village in CT it's self, which was a great shame as the view was magnificent.

On a sun filled day we would skip the 3 mile tunnel and go over the pass and stop to admire the view of the sun rising over Table Mountain. Nothing in my mind can beat that sensation on arrival at the Cape.

There are many other stories of the trips that are even more incredible, so will leave that for another day.

The first trip

2007-03-14T09:40:00.000Z

I have to begin by saying that Grant was a Lothario, there is no other way of putting it. Anything that had a vague resemblance to a woman was his and he was lucky enough to be a fairly good looking guy even if I say it myself, so when we arrived at the backpackers to pick up our first three passengers and one of them was a tall slim blond Swedish bird I knew it was going to be a fun business to be involved in. The fact that she was traveling with her boyfriend didn't bother him in the slightest, in fact I think it made it far more interesting. The other guy was a very amiable Irish chap who had only just arrived in SA. Naivety wasn't in our business plan but it should have been as we were constantly amazed by the stupidity of backpackers and their inability to understand the importance of a passport, including one Japanese guy we picked up who on arrival at the first border post produced a photocopy of his passport!!!! so having introduced a policy of asking everyone if they had their passport we then had to start asking to actually see them.

As I said before we wanted to provide an extra special service including all meals, so Ruth and I spent the day preparing home made Pizza and chocolate brownies along with coke, juice and crisps. We had already planed our stops and the first stop was at the Beaufort West Esso garage where we refueled and had a break to eat and drink while changing drivers. The idea was to change drivers every 4 hours and refuel while heading relentlessly north. Having left Cape Town at approximately 4pm we would arrive at the Ramatlabama border post just north of Mafeking 7am. This was our first encounter with them as a bus with passengers even though we had done it once in a car and it was interesting to say the least. The Irish guy who had slept nearly all the way so far, eventually woke up to tell us that he didn't have a passport!!! how the hell he got into SA in the first place I don't know but here he was in the middle of nowhere about to go through the first of many border posts on his Holiday of a lifetime and he had no passport. Our hearts sank and an insight into our future business began to sink in. Fortunately our border post officer was a very attractive and polite woman who we got to know very well over the next three years. The first thing I said to her was "how long did it take you to braid your hair so beautifully" her face beamed and we were all let through without even a glance at the passports, phew. This was only the border out of SA, we had to negotiate the border into Botswana yet, so we hid the guy in the bus, which was not the ideal way to start a legitimate bus company but we had to think on our feet. Once we were in Botswana it was time to have breakfast, so the first town we hit was Labatse, where we stopped at the casino hotel for a slap up full English and a well earned pot of strong black coffee. The passengers were amazed that we were providing so much for them, which to me confirmed that it would all be worthwhile in the end.

This was a very familiar sight in Botswana as we tanked to and fro each week trying to avoid the damn cow's, donkey's, goat's and worst of all people as they wandered from one side of the road to the other depending on their mood and state of mind. Having said that I have a very special place in my heart for Bots, with it's incredibly limited road infrastructure but massive wealth earned from Diamonds, Platinum and Gold mining. It has one of the highest GDP's in Africa yet is riddled with Aids due mainly to the trucks driving through from SA, Namibia and Zimbabwe. If you really want to get a feel for the country then read Alexander McCall Smith and his wonderful series of books telling the tales of Precious Ramotse in the The No 1 Ladies Detective Agency.

Breakfast consumed we were off again heading towards Gaborone and the Francistown, 100k south of the Plumtree Border in to Zimbabwe, nearly there and dreading the crossing with the Irishman. Our first visit to the Botswana side was easy and we managed to get the Irish guy out of Bots with a little help from a US dollar note. The Zimbabwe side was a different situation altogether. Passport no problem, the bus on the other hand, a nightmare. We had researched the all the bureaucracy for these posts with meticulous accuracy but when it comes to Zimbabwe nothing is as it seems. We were held at the post for nearly four hours while Grant and I tried in vain to understand what they wanted. In the end they wanted the engine number of the bus. Grant was crawling underneath and inside to try and find it without success until in frustration I shoved my head right inside the engine and shouted out a number that I had made up in my head, which they accepted without hesitation. so on the first trip we had broken five laws already just to get the passengers to their destination. Driving up to Bulawayo was fantastic and we managed to find a hostel for our passengers who were so grateful they told everyone about us on their travels further north. We knew this because we kept getting various travelers telling us. Our bed for he night was a strange little place called Hitch Haven in the suburbs. Grant and I got completely Hammered on Zambezi at $16 Zim and slept like logs.

Next was to find passengers to go back to Cape Town with.

The long road through Africa

2007-03-13T13:05:00.000Z

I've talked at length about Route 49 and our exploits in Africa but wanted to share the experience of it's birth. I had been working in London for about a year when I met Grant. He and I were attached to an agency that provided Butlers to the catering trade and we were probably the best in the business. We always saw an advantage in a job such as the chance to add four or five hours to our claim sheet and return home with a few bottles of champagne. Grant is South African and through a good mate Ed Martin I had become very interested in SA, so I quizzed Grant at every opportunity about the chance of going out there to live and start a business. Grant was in the process of doing a degree at the South Bank University in Tourism with the eventual aim of returning to SA to start a business of his own. It transpired that he wanted to start something in the transport industry ferrying backpackers around SA in custom built coaches themed around Rock Bands!!!! During that year my then partner Ruth had organized a trip to Africa on an overland truck from Nairobi down to Harare. On her return four months later she said that there was a massive gap in the market for a service to get backpackers to and from Zimbabwe and Cape Town as the only way to go were by plane from Johannesburg, which you had to get to first and then pay an extortionate amount for the fare as SA is the most expensive air miles in the world. Or you could go by coach also via Johannesburg over three days and the final choice was by rail, 4 days. We bought a massive map of Africa and pinned it up on our wall in the flat and planned our route. The obvious route to me was the most direct route up through Botswana staying well clear of Johannesburg but adding an extra border post. This would take 24 hours of non stop driving for 1465K

With this all planed, off we all went to start our dream business in what was to become the most exciting time of our lives. Grant and his then partner Leila decided to go directly to Cape Town to get things started and Ruth and I went to Zimbabwe to see what reaction we would get from the locals. Why on earth we went to Harare I don't know but there we were talking to a bunch of Overland drivers who didn't like the idea of us taking away their cash jobs of ferrying the poor passengers down to Cape Town in what was basically a lorry. Ruth and I took the train from Harare to Joburg where we hired a car to drive down to Cape Town. Just 10 miles outside Joburg we tried to find a radio station we could understand as they were all either Afrikaans or one of the thousands of local languages spoken in SA. Eventually we found an English speaking station that said that Kensington Palace were making arrangements for Princess Diana's funeral!!! We couldn't believe what we were hearing. At first we thought it was a very cruel joke but as we hadn't had any news for over a week it must have been true. Ruth and I pulled over on to the verge and sat listening in disbelief crying like children. Once we were settled in our beautiful thatched cottage in Muizenburg the planning started. We made the dinning room our office with a window looking out to sea where the whales would delight us with their antics while we tried to raise money to buy the first bus. Two months later we had exhausted nearly all our avenues of raising any money when the final letter arrived, telling us that we had been unsuccessful again and another letter telling us that the name (Zimcaper) we had been working with for the last year was unavailable. For Ruth and I it looked as though we were going back to the UK. I sat in the office for an hour while Ruth and Grant went off to the garden to contemplate the future. While I sat there I looked out of the window at the fabulous view and thought about that hell they call London. Looking through the Yellow pages I found a guy who would rent us a VW mini bus and then I started looking at the map and found a road that went from Hopetown to Kimberly called Route 49. I shouted to Ruth and Grant telling them what we were going to do and all hell let loose. We designed a poster and flyer's while calling every backpackers in Cape Town telling them the business would start with the first bus leaving the next week. The three of us sat by that phone for days waiting for the first booking and when it came we opened a bottle of champagne. In the end we had three passengers for the first trip who we picked up from Green Street Backpackers who had forgone the 15% commission to get us going (£25 in total) and off we went. The idea behind the company was to provide a relaxed but efficient trip including on board food and drink with pillows, blankets and eventualy Videos on demand.

Check back for the story of the trip tomorrow.

Victoria Falls & Bullawayo

2007-02-27T11:39:00.000Z

I spent a lot of time traveling with the buses down to Cape Town from Zimbabwe which was the nature of the business. Grant had based himself in Cape Town (his home town) so Ruth and I moved to Zimbabwe where we were getting a huge amount of bookings from some of the nicest people in Africa. As most of the bookings came from Vic Falls we decide to move there and pop down to Bulawayo whenever we could. Having deposited Ruth in our new home in VF I went off back to Cape Town for a week to stay at the Carnaby and help Grant sort out a few things, leaving Ruth in charge of marketing the business. My brief to her was to get to know everyone in town and push the bookings. I returned 10 days later to a very warm reception from Ruth and to my surprise every one in town as we walked. Eventually after being greeted by the 10th person I asked where they worked. "The Casino, boss" Ruth had spent the entire week gambling and got to know all the croupiers!!! oh well at least the bus was full that week and she had managed to spend only $100 zim dollars while having a good time. A few months later I had to go back down to CT for a week and leave her again. On arriving Ruth phoned me to say she had malaria and had been as sick as a dog and felt terrible. I phoned Rasta Tony at Backpackers Bazaar to see if he could pop round and take care of her only to be told later that day that she hadn't got malaria but was pregnant!!! I promised not to tell anyone for at least a month and proceeded to phone everyone I could!! This meant leaving Vic Falls as soon as possible for fear of actually getting malaria. House packed up off we went again to live in Bulawayo my favourite place in Africa. As mentioned before we stayed with that terrible family for a few weeks until we moved into our colonial house with the Divorcee and the Jaguar. Ruth was a little nervous to say the least re the Hospital in Bulawayo because of the sparse and at times basic equipment used for pregnant mums. Her Mum Allison is a Midwife in the UK and managed to get to us 4 days prior to her giving birth to Joanna. Even though I say it myself it was fine and all went well including my dash to the hospital half asleep/pissed.

Kelly our best mate in Zim who I will talk at length about at some other point had a beautiful antique shop in town and gave us a stunning wooden cot that we loved. Having got used to the baby, Ruth wanted to go out on the town to celebrate with the only person who really can celebrate, Kelly. It was decided that we go to the Queen's Club for a quiz night only to find out it had been canceled! As the beers were so cheap ($12 zim dollars = 50p) we stayed. Ruth and Kelly downed at least 15 beers each and had to be carried out, while Ruth had to return to feed Joanna who then slept for a suspiciously long time after that.

Oh what fab times.

Cucumber chopping competition

2007-02-24T09:21:00.000Z

Carnaby backpackers in Cape Town was by far the best place in SA, something I could never had said in the days of Route 49 as we would have lost all credibility with our myriad of agents throughout Africa. Run by Jane and James it gave travelers a home from home atmosphere with a rave party thrown in. Ruth, Grant, Ex-Africa and I have had many heady nights around the pool with the likes of Ferdinand and Jungle John. One memorable night Grant challenged on my behalf Quinton, Jane's Brother who is a professional chef to a Cucumber chopping competition. My secret weapon was that I am a chef as well but Quinton didn't know this and thought he was going to wipe the floor with me. Jane marketed the event for a week throughout Cape Town, telling everyone she knew to make it a very busy night in the bar. The night arrived and I walked in with my trainer Grant, headband on and towel wrapped around my neck sweating with anticipation. Quinton got wind of the fact that I was a chef and started to backtrack on his bravado. Too late mate!!!! A few drinks to loosen up and a little trip to the loo with James for some Bolivian wake up powder and we were ready. Jane had set up two separate tables with our own chopping boards, being professionals we had brought our own knives, sharpened to the standard of a razor blade. The rules were that we had to chop as many slices as we could in 60 seconds. Stop watch at the ready off we go, Quinton made the mistake of looking at me while chopping to see how fast I was and lost vital slices. I on the other hand had started in fine form chopping so fast that my knife was a blur, then disaster struck the drink and powder had taken over and let me misjudge the slicing. Three quarters of the way through I sliced a massive chunk off my index finger. Being a professional chef and performer of all sorts, I carried on to the end. Jane counted the slices with eager anticipation of the crowds and declared that it was a tie!!!! but then awarded the prize to me because of the extra slice, My Finger!!!!!!! Quinton took it very well and retired to the bar and a bottle of Scotch.

I had to go to the bathroom where Jane wrapped a bandage around the piece of skin she re applied to my finger. The scar is still evident with a rather large indentation to remind me that times were good then.

Customers

2007-02-23T12:44:00.000Z

I'm all fired up and raring to go. I've got five new products and a huge amount of new stock that took me nearly five hours to weigh, pack and label. Van all stocked up, off I went to start cold calling, which I having been putting off for three or four months now as I hate it. I chose a small village on the edge of the Cotswold's that hasn't got a supermarket within five miles. First house I go to was a huge mansion with gardens that could have been open to the public they were so beautiful. A very elegant lady and her husband come to the door and look at me as if I had arrived with a van full of gold for them. Excited wasn't the word they were ecstatic!!! All they did was look in the back of the van and randomly pick 10 boxes ranging from Salmon to Sirloin Steaks. I added up the bill and it came to £385. Cheque duly tucked in my wallet I carried all the boxes into their outhouse where the freezer was located. Wails of disbelief from the woman as she opened the freezer to find that it had packed up and everything in it had defrosted including I might add 10 huge lobsters. Cheque duly returned and 10 boxes returned to the van I left shouting at the top of my voice Fuck Fuck Fuck. Life never gets better it just changes direction all the time.

2007-02-22T16:28:00.000Z

7 years since we left Africa and this little thing didn't even know how good life was, that was until Uncle Bob messed things up. We had been running the buses fairly full up until the BBC and The Daily Telegraph reported that the British Embassy had been shut in Harare. Wrong!!!! the ambassador had just returned to London for one week to report on what was happening and then they reported that Mugabe had said that Whites were the enemy of the sate. He actually never said that but while all this was going on, reservations were canceled and very few bookings were made. End of an era!!! Ruth and I packed up the house and Doo Doo our wonderful maid sold all our belongings outside the house to anyone passing and made a fortune for all of us. $5000 Zim dollars and that was before inflation!!! I then had to drive the three of us in our little Fiat all the way down to Cape Town. In the buses it was always fairly frenetic trying to keep the passengers happy and comfortable while trying to keep to our time table of 24 hours door to door but in the car it was fun. The guys at Plumbtree border control were all very unhappy to see us leave, probably because their income of bribes was about to drop dramatically but in all sincerity they were upset. Then we drooped into Francistown to say goodbye to a few chums before rolling down to Mafeking in SA to stay at the Crocodile ranch we had used for three years as our breakfast and dinner stop for the passengers. I stopped a few times to take photo's of places we had been driving past at 100k per hour in the buses. One memorable one is of a sign post that said "No Fences" and underneath it said "Stolen" When I get a scanner I will share it with you. Joanna slept nearly all the way (Two days solid driving). Now whenever she gets in a car all we have to do is turn the engine on and she's asleep.

We arrived in Cape Town to a very warm welcome form the guys at Carnaby who looked after us for nearly a week before we departed for Heathrow.

So here we are 7 years later and Joanna has grown into a little lady playing the guitar she got for her Birthday.

More to come soon

A trip to the land of Lobsters

2007-02-22T13:50:00.000Z

It's been a while and to be honest I have had very little to talk about lately but that has all changed!!!!!

We are all off to the States to visit Ex-Africa, well I say visit Ex-Africa but in truth I wanted to go to the States and they are the only people we know, so we have to stay with them! We fly into New York and spend a couple of days there doing the usual things but more importantly I can go to a New York Deli and have a pastrami on rye. Ex-Africa lives on the north east coast in Maine where I can get a whole lobster in a baguette for $14 wow!!!!!!!! Ruth is taking the piss out of me because I keep planing the itinerary for all our meals. Anyway after NY we head up to Boston where we will stay for another two days. I know very little about Boston but everyone tell me it's very interesting, so lets wait and see.

Ex-Africa has booked a log cabin on the lakes that comes with a boat where we can all chill out and drink huge amounts of booze and eat fresh fish cooked on the barbie. that is life as I know it.

I went up to London last weekend to visit my old mucker and very good friend Paul. Paul is a multi successful guy who started his business in the bedroom of the flat we shared in Wandsworth may years ago. He now employs 30 plus and has a life style I envy. He suggested I meet him at his new apartment in the very fashionable new complex overlooking the Thames. This place is perfect for the in town bachelor. But unfortunately poor old Paul has had such bad luck with the skirt in his life and has recently been dumped again (4th time in three years) the first 4 or 5 were with him for the money but the last one just had issues, that in my mind is bad luck. Anyway we left there and went to his local bar in Battersea that he has been frequenting for nearly 10 years. A very expensive place with all the right people and birds with legs that seem to go all the way to Australia. After 6 or 7 beers we left to go to another bar in Wandsworth that had live music and two massive black bouncers on the door. Paul flashed his Black Amex and we were in. I laughed a but too loudly at this but they missed the irony, he had a Green Amex but there were no aliens on the door!! On reaching the bar a bottle of champagne appeared. I hate Champagne so a bottle of scotch appeared as well. Paul's phone had been going mad with text after text until eventually a huge guy arrived and off they both went. That was the start of a very debauched night with numerous visits to the loo where every surface was mirrored. We got home eventually at 5.45am having eaten nothing all night except a disgusting pastie from the service station. Before leaving home the day before I had promised Ruth that I would be home by 11am so that we could go shopping for Joanna's birthday party at 3.30pm. I woke up at 11.45am with a head that felt as if a steam train had run through it at 100 miles per hour. Oh shit this is going to be messy and it was. It's now Thursday and she is still going on about it. I'm 55 this year and god do I know it.

Route 49

2007-01-06T12:56:00.000Z

Update

Well, Leigh has started writing about Africa again at last. There is a limit to what I can read about the humdrum life of sex in the city, Portland style!!! Leigh is right, Bullawayo is probably the most beautiful town in the world to live in. Ruth and I lived there for three years on and off. Savoring the delights of such places as Mary's for breakfast where the most perfect full English would be served on delightful red gingham table cloths by waitresses who were well past their retirement age. Then there was Sisters situated on the top floor of a disused giant department store. The food at Sisters was without doubt the most amazing find in Africa!!!!! And could compete with many restaurants in London. Where they got their produce from is still a mystery to me. Most importantly the Sisters themselves were delectable, especially when wearing little vests while cooking in the summer sun. Good memories.

We lived with a terrible Rhodesion family to begin with who were the epitome of what was wrong with colonialism by whites in a country inhabited by the most amiable Africans. The father had trained their African Grey parrots to mimic the front gate bell situated 100 yards down the drive. The result was their constant delight of watching the staff run down the path all day to open the gate to no one and chucking the pool boy in the pool at the deep end to see if he had learnt to swim yet! They nicknamed him BOB. Their daughter whose name I have thankfully forgotten was the bitch from hell who ran the local internet cafe in the house as a bit of part time work (no one would employ her). The mother spent the whole day watching The Dukes of Hazard on satellite television.

Then we moved to our perfect house in the avenues just above Bullawayo Gardens. The landlady had been married a few times to very rich guys who had provided her with the house and lifestyle she had become accustomed to. I would wake in the morning to Ruth's amusement and great the Gardner in my dressing gown with "Morning Derek" and inspect the white Jaguar I had been given to drive by the Landlady because I was such a nice young man.

We had a liver shaped pool that one day filled with huge hail stones and giant yellow palm tree leaves giving the impression of a very large Gin and Tonic. Unfortunately the kitchen boy who had worked in the house with her for nearly 20 years was caught by Ruth stealing a very large amount of money from Ruth's purse. The result was the sack and a rather awkward situation for a while. Our maid was Doo Doo
who we had found via the staff at the last house. She was a gem and couldn't do enough for us at any time. For nearly a year she would bring us tea in bed at 7.30am and curtsey, until Joanna was born. Then she would come in, take Joanna and disappear the African women loved a girl. When we told Derek that Ruth had given birth to a girl, he looked crestfallen and said "Never mind boss, better luck next time!!!" Don't you love it? He used to ask me "what are you having boss, a boy or a girl?" I would say "I don't give a shit as long as it's white" Only in Africa would you get the wails of laughter from an African for a comment like that.

Africa, we love it.

2006-10-18T11:22:00.000Z

Take a moment to have a look at this site

2006-08-21T10:28:00.000Z

One of the cute little bays, Moushole (pronounced mouzehul) I worked here many years ago (36 years) in the wonderfull Lobster Pot that has now been redeveloped into 20 harbourside flats. Other than that it's changed very little and continues to atract countless tourists.

2006-08-21T09:58:00.000Z

Well hello again after such a long time. I got rather bored with this blog thing while leigh decided to make it a personal crusade to make mine look like a load of crap. Fair play mine is crap but fun while it lasted. Since the last entry we have been camping twice. I'm not a camper but enjoyed it so much the first time that I decided to go for it and go camping again. What a mistake!!!! We went with some good mates who pursuaded us to go the first time but this time to Cornwall. Cornwall is a beutifull place with endless bays and cute little villages and relatively good food. We spents nine and a half hours traveling down through endless traffic jams and fucking caravans that should be banned from traveling other than between midnight and one in the morning. Having arrived at the nominated site I was confronted with pitching our tents on a slope!! in pouring rain. Not a good start. It continued to rain for the next three days while Ruth roled down the slope every night pushing me out of the under inflated bed. When the weather eventualy did chear up we spent most days sitting on a stoney wind swept beach pretending to enjoy ourselves. I had one day of my own choosing when we went on a mission to find the perfect seafront pub with fresh seafood. Objective achieved, that was my lot and back to the sodding beach. Joanna had the time of her life disapearing every morning and returning every evening exhasted having made more friends than I have made in my life. So as you can tell I am not a happy camper and will now make itg my mission to save like mad for a hotel holliday next year.

2006-02-28T23:01:00.000Z

So Leigh has decided to get her own blog and try to be inteligent with it!!!! Mozambique, Links and smart photos all over the place, Ha who introduced her to this stuff in the first place anyway. ME. Has anyone managed to get the spell check working on this damn Bloger thing?

The photo is from last weekend when out of compasion for my dear wife, Joanna and I left her alone for the day to get on with some work. We went to High Wycombe Asda to buy some clothes and do the weekly shop and then on to Marlow to feed the ducks, swans and geese. I actualy took this photo with my phone!!!!!! not bad eh?http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1141036459/Gun_Commercial This has to be the best comercial ever and can only be from the US of god damn A!!!!!

Bit pissed at the moment so must sign off and go to bed or just sign off and pour another one. Fuck spell check.

Joanna's Birthday

2006-02-18T20:24:00.000Z

I will write about the party at a later date as her birthday is actualy on Monday and so many of you have been so good to remember and send her cards and parcels, which she will open on Monday evening after school. but for the time being we now have an extra blog to read by our nutty mate in the states http://ibrokemymop.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!!!!

2006-02-18T20:23:00.000Z

2006-02-18T20:22:00.000Z

2006-01-30T10:47:00.000Z

This is the only photo I have of Steve Harris who arrived in New Zealand this week for those of you who will have the pleasure of his company. I tried to find a bad one of him but could only find this very flattering photo taken when it was his round at the pub. Have just had an e-mail from him saying he is heading south to find a car, so I think Paul and Sam will be the first to encounter his very unique sense of humour. Anyway I'm sure you all want to know how the decorating is going and what happened with the VAT. Well the decorating is still ongoing as all was halted while the VAT was in progress but the inspection was a huge sucsess and she even found an extra £28 for me plus an extra few bills to claim on for next time so all in all I was on cloud nine and got very pissed that night and am now just waiting for the huge cheque to arrive in the post within the next day or so. It's been a very good start of the year as far as the business is concerned as I only got back to work last week and have had a very good week with plenty of orders, so lets hope this is the way forward for the year. Ruth had a good week last week with her Zimbabwe project at school and this week it's the Chinese new year so very busy all round. By the way I'm only joking this isn't Steve but a very good look alike!!!!!

2006-01-23T00:04:00.000Z

Thought you all deserved a laugh. I have given up smoking and shaving!!!!!!!!!!!!

Long time since Christmas

2006-01-21T22:11:00.000Z

Yes it's been a long time but I have been in the process of decorating the flat and giving up smoking (three weeks now) so the computer has been moved about three times and now I have a VAT inspection on Wednesday and that's terifying me but the show must go on and my adoring fans are panting for news.

Well as I said I have given up smoking and it's been tough even though I'm on patches and a dummy. I did give up two years ago for 10 months and felt very angry with my self for starting again, so this time it has to be for ever!!!! Ruth has been a huge support to me and has always hated me smoking so it's good for all of us especialy Joanna

I aggreed to decorate the flat for the landlord in exchange for a months rent, which has also been harder than I thought as I have never decorated anything in my life!!!! but the end is in sight and all is well.

I'm back to business next week and already have a few orders to fulfill by Friday whilst getting ready for the dreaded VAT inspection on Wednesday.

It's party season at the moment for Joanna who has a total of five party's over the next six weeks including hers on the 18th of Feb. We decided after last years party that we would never have a big one again with all her class as it was a complete nightmare with pain in the arse parents who have no control over their kids and no manners to speak of, so this year and for the years to come she will have a party at home for the number of kids realting to her age, so this year it's 6, themed as a princess makeover party!!!!!! she can't wait and every day comes up with a new angle on a diferent theme.

Ruth is in the process of organising a project for school all about africa and has given herself an impossible task of getting the kids to all do Batik's with flour and water. This all sounds fine but she has done one every night so far and not one of them has worked, filling her with dread for the whole project. Never mind Iv'e got the VAT to worry about.

I must just mention that this blasted blog thing has no spell or grammer check, so please excuse all the glaring mistakes and get a life.

The picture by the way is of Joanna for halloween, which only goes to show how long it's been since I last bloged.

Our next door neighbour is off to New Zealand tomorrow for a year and I am so envious of him partly because he is going and partly because of his singular freedom to just fuck off and leave this god forsaken country. I don't think he will come back as it's just the place for him and he has no ties except for two older daughters who could easily go over there and have as much fun as him. Bastard!!!!!

Must go now but prommise to keep up to date with this and will talk to a few of you over the next month or so.

Day in London

2005-11-30T16:24:00.000Z

Just returned from a quick trip to london to deliver an order for a restaraunt in Batersea that is proving to be quite lucrative. I don't make as much margin as the home delivery but they take an average of 40 boxes per month rather than the usual 3-5 boxes per 3 months for my normal customers, plus I have just got the cafe in Borough market taking a load of my hand made fish fingers, so all in all things are starting to look a bit brighter.

Leigh, thank's for the link to Dorynsdish I will definately give that a punt when my web page is up and running which should be in January.

Every time I visit london I wish we were living there again as it's such a vibrant place and Thame is such a dull place but it's just so expensive now that I would have to work twice as hard to maintain the same standard of living. Having said that it only takes me an hour from my depot to Batersea, so were not that far realy.

My local pub was going to be opening an hour late for the next few days as they have a film crew in there doing Mid Summer Murders (British detective series where one little area has an average murder rate of 1 per week and of course they solve the murder every time!!!!) but I have just had a call to say they are opening on time tonight so it's all down the pub for a couple at 6. I shall tell Ruth that I have a few customers to see and will be late.

Sorry no Photo today will try and find one for tomorrow.

2005-11-29T11:15:00.000Z

Sorry been rather busy over the past few days. As you can see we did the parade in the freezing cold and the kids loved it, I had the hangover from hell after watching New Zealand cheat their way through to a win (forward pass for a try unseen by the linesman and ref) plus they got three yellow cards from the ref who at last have been instructed to clamp down on the Kiwi's for their persistant foul play. No I'm not a bad loser, it was great game and England made some terrible mistakes but fought like the lions they are. I had to watch it in the pub and consume 6 pints before heading off to the Church quiz in which we came 5th out of 11 teams, not bad eh seeing as I was the only bloke on the team. One of the questions was what was the 7th 0r 11th planet from Earth and I insisted it was jupeter and was over ruled for Saturn, Christ women are obnoxious sometimes even in defeat!!!! I asked ruth to get some wine to take and she produced a 3 litre box of wine, which had to be consumed that night cos you know how it goes off if you don't, hence the hangover that was not appreciated in the freezing cold on a Sunday morning.

Last week was a complete waste of time as far as business was concerned, as was expacted!!! but this week is the start of the Christmas rush so it's all hands to the deck and sell sell sell. I had a cold and Joanna got a tummy bug but apart from that it was OK. Ruth and Joanna are in a Christmas Carol concert in the town hall this week but no picture will be published as I won't be there to take any.

Will try and update as I get time.

2005-11-20T16:30:00.000Z

2005-11-20T16:29:00.000Z

2005-11-20T16:27:00.000Z

Gossip

2005-11-19T21:28:00.000Z

Thsi is the only photo I can find of me, which makes me look fat and old but none the less me!!!!.

I presume it was Leigh who posted the comment that she want's gossip, well we live such a boring life that gossip never comes our way. I have been keeping in good contact with Grant who seems to be on realy good form and loving fatherhood.

One interesting thing this week was that one of my customers in London who is Italian and married to an Irish guy spent her honeymoon at Nesbit Castle in Bullawayo. Leigh will remember the three of us went there for dinner one night. It's the most extrodinary place I have ever been to in Africa.

I'm off to the pub now to watch England play New Zealand (rugby) On NZ present form they should beat us but I have hope for England that they will break down their back row, which is critical for the destruction of their confidence. I will come home pissed and then make our way to the Church quiz, that should be fun!!!!!!

2005-11-18T19:15:00.000Z

So, I managed to sell 4 boxes on thursday and that was a brand new customer who happened to be old freinds of my folks. All the other customers wanted me to come back in three weeks time for Cristmas!!!! I'm fed up with this but it's the way it goes at this time of year. But today I sold 19 boxes!!!!!!!! yeh, result. 10 of the boxes are on credit to a restaraunt in Batersea who now owe me a small fortune but their OK as they have an account and pay at the end of the month. I have a new cutomer in Borough Market, London bridge who are taking 4 boxes of my home made Jumbo Fish Fingers each week and what's more they pay cash, love it.

Joanna is knackered after a long week at school as is Ruth so they wind each other up on Friday night's and I'm piggey in the middle tring to keep the peace. Oh well it's hard life being a Dad.

I'm taking the weekend of and we are going to a quiz night at the Church, yes the church. £6 and fish and chips thrown in I have already asked if they are just getting one piece of cod to a miracle with, didn't go down to well. my sense of humour is wated on them. Joanna is going over to my sisters for the night and thet she and Ruth are in the Santa's parade on Sunday morning. I shall take pictures and publish next week. We are now about to embark on the telivision marathon of the year for Children in need, so will sign off now and relax for the weekend.

At last I've grasped the concept of this

2005-11-17T18:44:00.000Z

Ok now i'm sorted with this blog thing and intend to do a daily update along with a photo a day of Joanna.

As a few of you won't acualy know what I do here is a brief explanation.

I have my own business providing quality frozen foods via home delivery. I sell by the box and have a range of products ranging from Filleted Sardines to Hand Made Minted Lamb Parcels (pastry). The price ranges from £30 - £60 per box and I guarantee that none of my products are available in the suppermarket who I have a personal hate vendeta with. More of that another time.

Today my aim is to sell at least 5 boxes, which involves traveling appoximately 20 miles to Leighton Buzzard and seeing 5 clients who occasinaly buy. Business is tough at the moment as we are in a mini recession in the UK plus no one wants to buy 5 weeks prior to christmas. Everyone is asking me to come back the week before Christmas, which is impossible. 1500 people in a 50 mile radious could never happen, so it's a case of pushing people to buy now which I hate doing.

I shall report back tonight or tommorow on the success of the day!!!!!

The Family: November 2005

2005-11-15T22:48:00.000Z

I have just managed to publish my first photo, which is quite an acheivement for me so enjoy and keep looking for new input

2005-11-15T22:42:00.000Z

My first blog

2005-11-14T21:45:00.000Z

OK I have never done this before so have patiance with me.

I'm doing this so that all our mates overseas can see all our photo's and read up on where we are going and what we are doing.

When I get more acustomed to the blog thing I will publish photo's but am having problems understanding it at the moment.